The Halcyonite

By Ezra, ’25

Universal Picture’s long-awaited fourth installment in the Kung Fu Panda journey was released on the 28th of March this year, to a panda-monium of bad reviews (ha ha). The movie, directed by Mike Mitchell, follows the panda Po, voiced by Jack Black, as he sets off to find and defeat the Chameleon, an evil sorceress threatening his valley. Along the way he meets a fox named Zhen, voiced by Awkwafina, and they work together to traverse various threats and misfortunes in their pursuit of the sorceress, voiced by Viola Davis.

The movie is fun and light-hearted, it has Kung Fu Panda’s usual brand of self-deprecating humor, quick punchlines, and an unlikely hero. However, the reviews paint the movie to be the disastrous downfall of the Kung Fu Panda series. IMDb gave it a 6.3/10, with josenaruto-53442 calling it ‘unnecessary’, and Metacritic awarded the film a 54/100, with reviewer Mimuless (who personally awarded the film a 3/10) calling it “a film made to milk a dead cow”.

I can imagine these reviewers watching the movie in the theaters brimming with anger, as they realize that the plot is somehow not comparable to the average Scorsese movie, as the lessons in friendship and change are not as deeply rooted in the story as the average Coen Brothers’ epic. They rush home, crack their fingers, and begin to type: ‘Just underwhelming” BigDaddy4000 writes, “It was… really lame.”

What a nincompoop.

To all those reviewers who foamed at the mouth upon seeing the various simplicities of Kung Fu Panda 4 (BigDaddy4000 used the acronym KFP, and from this point forward I will too), while I will not disagree that it is in no way similar to the best of Hollywood… It is a children’s movie.

For god’s sake, some of the reviewers seem to be playing with me, just teetering on the edge of being self-aware, but not quite: another reviewer writes “If I had to come up with a word to describe (KFP 4) it would be ‘passable’… my kids loved it.”

Reviews like that make me wish I could have a long conversation with all these reviewers, but I can’t, so instead I will vent my frustrations on my poor keyboard.

Common Sense Media defines the movie as being for ages 6 and up, and as such it has lighthearted humor that occasionally overshadows the deeper lessons of the movie, the action is not too hardcore and gory, and the villain is made to be only slightly scary.

And for those of you who would say that “the first movie in the KFP series is way better and actually I’m wrong and have the IQ of a houseplant because that movie is a masterpiece….” no, it’s not. It might be better than KFP 4, but they share the same flaws. Nonetheless, the keyboard warriors who take to their various movie review sites, typing away, thinking that they are making a difference in the world, watched that movie almost two decades ago, when it first came out, when they were younger, at the appropriate age.

My personal favorite review, out of all the trash that I read, was written by SoumikBanerjee1996. From the name alone, we might reasonably assume that Mr. Banerjee is 28 years old, he is over a decade into adulthood, and more than two past the minimum age range of 6 years old.

He titles his review (on IMDB) “The Charm has Slowly Diminished”, and begins by complementing the movie for being “charming”, “fun”, and with “lots of variety in characters”.

“I feel children, especially those who belong to the age bracket of 5-10, will have a great time with it.”

Wow, Soumik… just brilliant. He is barely cusping on the world of self-awareness, but not quite, “However, teenagers or matured adults may have reservations about the film, particularly those who have grown up with this series and hold the franchise in high regard. They would notice the diminishing charm, the losing essence, and the fading magic of the storytelling that was once prominent but now is gone.”

With respect to Soumik, and all his fellow keyboard warriors out there, I don’t think it’s the movie that is losing some element of charm and carefree-ness, but rather the reviewers themselves. As hard as it may be to admit, aging happens, and perhaps it is time to stop reviewing movies made for 6-year-olds, and criticizing them for being childish.

In fact, I agree with Soumik’s closing statement: “I think they should stop now!”

I do apologize to the IMDb-ers out there: I hope you are living your best life, but I’m not done (I will not, however, comment on the depressingly high number of reviews that some of these reviewers have made, for that alone may stand as a reason to re-evaluate what they do with their life).

One of Soumik’s favorite movies is The Edge of Tomorrow which he rated 10/10 stars, I enjoyed the movie as well, it has an average of 7.9/10 stars on IMDB, and I wonder if that number would be as high if only those in age range “5-10” reviewed the dark action movie about a soldier who dies a gruesome death every day, in an endless battle against brutal aliens. I reckon it wouldn’t be as high, perhaps Soumik would agree.

But I digress.

As someone who is unashamedly critical of much more than he needs to be, I enjoyed Kung Fu Panda 4, it was relaxingly simplistic, endearingly light-hearted, and comically slapstick. I would certainly recommend the movie to anyone, of any age range, but go into the theater expecting Kung Fu Panda 4, and nothing else.